How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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