i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
