Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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