People in love make me want to vomit
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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