I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
