I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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