3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
