Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
