Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
