i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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