i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
