My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
