His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
