Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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