so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
