you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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