i need an iv and a liver transplant
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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