My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
