she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
