I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
