He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
His nipple licking is glorious
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