I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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