Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
