the condom got lost in my hair
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
