I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have feelings that need drinking.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
