I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You pole danced in your parka.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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