He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My cat gives me a boner
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
splinters make it hard to masturbate
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
