I just saw a hot homeless man
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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