GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
