I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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