He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
