Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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