How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize