apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
