alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
