I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
