My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It was confusing and full of hummus
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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