Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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