a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
