I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
