Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
