Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
