why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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