it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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