Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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