Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
