apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
