I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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