so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
