Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
