Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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