First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
