Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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