Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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