And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
