My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
