take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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