Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
