my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
