he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
