it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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