: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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